Job interview technique

Job interviews are a scary situation.
Follow this advise and you can't go wrong.

Upon entering the interview room greet your interviewers. If they are male then you must turn them around, crouch and punch them as hard as you can in the right butt cheek. If they're female then lay your splayed hand across their face and leave it there for exactly 15 seconds. No more, no less.

Once greetings are over with sit down and lay out every object in your pockets on the table in front of you. The straighter the line you arrange them into the better an impression your will make.

Undoubtedly the interviewer/s will ask you several questions. The key is to answer them as quickly as possible with as many different answers as possible. Don't stop even when they stop or tell you to stop.

Having a copy of your CV is always a good idea. Ideally your CV should be a single side of A4 paper and should be incandescent. This can be achieved by making it out of neon or failing that light it on fire.

At the end of the interview end with a quote from a film or radio play and leave the room without breaking eye contact. Prior knowledge of the the interview venue will allow you to cut a hole in the door so you can maintain eye contact for longer as you close the door.

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